No, YOU’RE the Puppet | by Warren Goldie

Sketch Comedy

 

The PREZ and his security detail enter a dive diner in Hackensack, NJ at two a.m. Unshaven, grizzled-looking BERT is drinking coffee in a booth. There’s a COOK behind the counter. The Prez’s lead security officer is RICK.

Bert stares at the esteemed new customer standing in front of him.

Bert: Whoa.

The Prez takes in the place, approves of it. He sits at the next booth, facing Bert.

Prez: Fantastic. Wonderful. Absolutely. Lovely, lovely place. Hmm, perfect. This is great, it’s just great. A nice little late-night snack. (to Bert:) Thank you.

Bert: Fer…. what?

Prez: Respect. You come out, you never know who you’re gonna run into. (he looks around). What is this anyway? (to the security guy:) Rick? It’s a diner, like I requested?

Rick: Yes, sir. It’s the best. We found it on Yelp.

Prez (turns back to Bert): What’s your name, citizen?

Bert: Bert.

Prez: What do you recommend, Bert? (reading menu) I know what I like. I do know that.

Bert: Me, too.

Prez: What’s that?

Bert: You like hot blonds with big… qualities.

Prez (laughs): I’m full American. And I’m proud of it!

Bert: Make America great. You gonna get the cheeseburger?

Prez: Does everyone in the damn world know what I like?  Yes, the cheesburger. With fries. Lots of gravy. (to Cook) Hey?

The Cook, nearby, gives a thumps-up, leaves. The President turns to Bert.

Prez: So, Bert. I want to tell you something. It’s very important, this thing I have to tell you. (beat) Listen to me now. I’ve been poisoned. I want one last good meal before I head out of this place.

Bert: Poisoned?

Prez: And I know who did it. It could be anyone, right? I mean, how many people want to see me gone? You know that’s a hell of lot of people. A hell of a lot. (beat) Don’t answer that. I’ll tell you who did it: Melania.

Bert: Who’s that?

The President laughs.

Prez: Ah, this is refreshing! This is good. This is precious.

Bert: Shouldn’t you go to the hospital?

Prez: Well, I was hungry. They say I’m fat, the fake news. Have you read that nonsense? OK, I’ve put on a few pounds, so what? They say I’m vain. I’m … portly. That doesn’t leave this room, OK, Bert? Rick, you got that Non-disclosure? Never mind. There’s a respect in a little girth. Who’d you vote for, Bert? Did you vote for me?

Bert: The lady.

Prez: Hmm. Democrat.

Bert doesn’t respond, just stares.

Prez: It’s okay, I don’t care. I won. I know I won. So what I didn’t get the popular. Everybody went nuts about that. They all go on about “truth”… please. You know, that’s a gray area, truth. It’s always been gray. Yeah… very gray.

The President turns to Rick.

Prez: Can you help me here, Rick?

Rick produces a flask and a cup and pours liquor in it and sets it down.

Prez (to Bert): Yeah, Bert, that’s right. (he makes air quotes) “He’d never touch a drop because of his brother.” Maybe not in public. (he drinks, winces) To Hillary. Thank God for Hilary. You know, she’s actually very attractive.

Rick gives him a look.

Prez: Rick differs with me on that. I’ll tell you something else. Nancy Pelosi? Babe. You wouldn’t think. But imagine her… quiet. Everything changes. You know Pelosi, right?

Bert just stares.

Prez: Minority speaker, Bert. I feel so good right now. Can I ask, what do you do for a living?

Bert: Taxi driver.

Prez: Ah. Wonderful New York City profession. My friend Michael does a very good business, helps a lots of guys. Mostly immigrants. (beat) Bert, what’s that look you’re giving me? You wanna tussle?

The cook brings the burger, sets it down in front of the Prez.

Prez: Now, we’re talking. (he takes a bite) Fuckin’ A! (holds out his hands holding the burger. The hands are visible trembling) Look at this. My God.

Bert: You want me to take you to the hospital?

Prez: Rick, you have to try this. Come here – this is great. This is the best burger I’ve ever had. I mean the best. Wonderful. Two exclamation points.

Rick: I’m fine, Mr. President.

Prez: I’m sick, Bert. I’m not sure how much longer I have. I have a few things I want to tell you. Do you read the Times? The New York Times. The paper of record. Record? Who’s record? Losers. And not just that. The failing losers. I want to tell you a secret, Bert.

The President grimaces in pain. Rick starts over. The President holds out his hand.

Prez: Bert?

Bert: Yeah?

Prez: Leaving Ivanka, that would be tough. All that crap they say. She is hot. What’s wrong with stating the obvious? Those jackals in the press, I don’t fault them. Business is business. Keep that to yourself. Now, Jared—I wish he’d just speak, for God’s sake. Nah, I love the guy.

Bert: Why don’t you go to the hospital, Mr. President?

Prez: I convert people, Bert. I’m a converter. It’s a gift. Give me five minutes in a room—just you and me. If I could list the people I converted. I know exactly how I do it. It’s a kind of magic, like Jim Jones. It can’t be explain. You just have it. Would you do something for me, Bert?

Bert: You don’t look too good, Mr. Prez.

Prez: Just a little favor. It might seem strange, what I’m going to ask. It has a function. It’s, uh, a little embarrassing. OK? Good.

A beat.

Prez: I want you to tell me something, Bert. Tell me that you love me.

Bert stares.

Prez: This isn’t a guy-guy thing. It’s just every once in a while a person needs to hear it. I just don’t get it at home. It’s important that I connect with my citizens. I’m all about close connections, you know. Yeah, yeah, there are all those sycophants kissing up. They are such—well, many of them are very good people. Very good people.

Bert: Your hands.

Prez (looks at his hands): For God’s sake, they’re friggin’ normal hands!

Bert (confused): The burger.

Indeed, The President has squeezed the burger and it’s all over his fingers. Rick comes over with a napkin. The Presidents wipes his hands clean.

Prez: Thanks, Bert. This may not technically be your civic duty, but it would help me, personally. (beat) The North Koreans are knocking at the door. Rocket Man is pointing the nukes at us as we speak.

Bert: You want me to… ?

Prez: Just say it: “I love you.” I need a jolt, Bert. Or I won’t be able to deal with Un.

Bert: Go to the hospital, Mr. President.

Prez: This is my last request. Please?

Bert stares.

Prez: What do you want? Money? You want real estate? OK – you want to know what I really think. You want to tell the papers the truth about me? OK! I know the inauguration crowd was small! You think I’m an imbecile? What else?! Why I moved the embassy to Jerusalem? Why not? Sometimes you just flip a coin. How about Area 51, where the aliens are? Kidding, Bert! There are no aliens—other than those bastards that are gonna have a hell of a time gettin’ over my wall. Bert, say it, please. Come on, be a pal.

Burt stares.

Prez: Hasn’t anyone ever needed something from you? Something so minor, so easy to give?

Bert: Yeah, once—

Prez: What was that? A bottle, perhaps?

Bert: Yeah!

Prez: A bottle of what?

Bert: Jamesons.

Prez: Jamesons?

Bert: Oh, does that warm you up.

Prez: You want to get warm, Bert. You want Jamesons? That’s easy. We can help each other.

Bert: I—

A cell phone rings. Rick answers.

Rick: Mr. President.

Prez: Hold on!

Bert: Love. I …. love…

Rick: The nukes are airborne.

Prez (impatient): OK, thanks. They’ll miss.

Rick: Sir, they need your decision.

Prez: One minute! Bert?

Rick: Sir, the Joint Chiefs are on the line.

Prez: Bert, please…

Bert: You said Jamesons?

Prez: A full bottle.

Rick: You’re needed, sir.

Bert: What was I saying?

Prez: Love, Burt! Love!

The President get up and grabs Bert and shakes him.

Bert: What! What!

Prez: You love me. Right? The people love me. My people. I’m the king, like dad said. Now, you say it, Bert.

Bert: I love you.

Prez (sighs with relief): Ah. Thank you. Thank you. This is good. Again, Bert.

Bert: I love you.

Prez: A little louder. Say it like you mean it. Put a little umph in it.

Bert: I love you!

Prez: And Hillary? What about her?

Bert: She’s pretty.

Prez: No, you idiot! She’s a loser. Say “loser,” Bert.

Bert: I want the Jamison. You said I could have it.

Prez: What I said? That doesn’t matter.

Bert: You said…

Prez: What did I say?

Bert: Liar! You’re a louse! You’re a stinkin’ lousy louse. You’re a liar. I’m glad you’re poisoned. I was right to vote for her.

The President laughs uproariously. He gets up and heads for the door.

Prez (to Bert): Who do you love, baby? (then to Rick) Let’s get out of here. This scumbag can have my burger. It sucked, anyway. God, I hate Jersey. What a hole. I need to get back to the Oval. I’m gonna nuke the shit out of little Rocket man. It’s just what I need. Just what I need…

As he exits, he sings Elton John’s “Rocketman.”